Ed Miliband – The Mystery Cat


Ed Miliband’s a heavyweight: he’s Labour’s Number One,
He’s the chap the unions backed, so he’s the chap that won.
He’ll terrify the Tories with a sideways grin and glare –
But when you look for something more – Ed Miliband’s not there!

Ed Miliband, Ed Miliband, there’s no one like Ed Miliband,
He’s cleverer than Dumbledore and tougher than the Taleban,
His comments make him seem like he will do and die and dare,
But when you look for policy – Ed Miliband’s not there.
He may seek to cut the deficit or make the system fair,
But underneath the rhetoric – Ed Miliband’s not there.

Ed Miliband’s of middling height, within the normal range,
You would know him if you saw him, for his mouth looks slightly strange.
He’s always smartly dressed and has a perfect set of teeth,
The suit is grey, the collar white, a dark red tie beneath,
His forehead is still smooth, his eyes a subtle shade of brown,
And if he nods and smiles your way, he’s going to bring you down.

Ed Miliband, Ed Miliband, there’s no one like Ed Miliband,
The smoothest man in politics, from Sunderland to Samarkand.
You may think you’ve found some policy, some substance more than air,
But when you think you’ve pinned him down – Ed Miliband’s not there!

He started oh-so-quietly, at PMQs a mouse,
That no one really noticed as he squeaked into the House.
His questions were not badly-put, but neither were they phrased,
To frighten David Cameron or win cross-party praise.
But slowly has he learned to damage Tories past repair,
Yet if you look for what he’d do – Ed Miliband’s not there!

His rise was unremarkable, if stumble-free and swift,
Until he crossed his brother in a grand fraternal rift,
And though he seems so innocent, so harmless, kind and wise,
You’re better off not crossing him, for that way danger lies.
Now David’s in America, he might be there to stay,
It’s useless blaming Ed for he’s a thousand miles away.
And if anyone should fall and land, spreadeagled on a spear,
Ed’s in a different country, smiling, always nowhere near.

Ed Miliband, Ed Miliband, there’s no one like Ed Miliband,
He’s known for elasticity, he bounces like a rubber band.
He’ll scuttle out to sting you and he’ll race back to his lair,
But lift the stone and take a look – Ed Miliband’s not there.
And they say that all the famous names whose deeds so oft appal
(I might mention Yvette Cooper, I might mention Edward Balls)
Are no more than diversions from the truth about their head:
That Ed Milliband has no idea what he would do instead.


Bankers Town is out now on Amazon Kindle! Take a look here.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: